He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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