Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize