If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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