I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
