I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
