It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
