dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
