Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
