He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
