You just made me feel so damn special
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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