If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
