Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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