At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
