Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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