If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
