i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize