I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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