I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
