Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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