Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
