So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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