you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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