Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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