I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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