now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Randomize
