I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
