Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
