did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
