I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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