We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
