does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
