Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
