I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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