I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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