Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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