We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
