Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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