i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
