I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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