The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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