Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
