He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
