All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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