peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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