i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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