I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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