Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
