So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
