thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
