I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
