Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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