after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
