My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
