Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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